Thursday, June 25, 2009

To Blog or Not To Blog?!

I try so hard to keep my blog happy and positive. I am usually a very positive person. But lately my mind has been weighed down. Like anyone else, I have good days and bad days. But unlike everyone, my ups and downs are very different. Not much gets me down. But when I am down...it's hard to get back up. What gets me down? Well, some of you know. Aaron and I have been trying to have a baby for almost 5 years. It is very trying and it is getting harder for me to deal with. I can't go to baby showers, or blessings. I am not in anyway apologizing, because I am not sorry. Most of the time I am not pressured about it, thanks to my close friends and MY family. But father's day was a hard day. Everything was fine until we went to Aaron's parents house. That is the only place where we are pressured. If it's not a sister in law pregnant, it's a "funny" comment from a brother in law. Since New Years, I leave their house in tears. We are the only ones without children...we know. I was asking my mom why that doesn't happen when we are at grandma's and she reminded me of my aunt and uncle who had the same struggle, so everyone knows better. I have been so worried since I joined Aaron's family that I would hurt someones feeling, and in doing so I let my feelings get hurt all the time. I don't say anything and then take it out on Aaron when we get home...not anymore. He is the only one I should worry about. I know that I have sister in laws that read this, yet I am not worried. I deserve my thought and my feelings to be heard. I can't take it anymore. I this hard enough for me without the "funny" remarks and the "someday".
I am not looking for someone to talk to....I just want to get my feelings out. I hear people complain about their kids, I see on the news that another baby died because they weren't wanted and I die a little more inside....give the baby to me! I take care of it!
I want to thank the people in my life that I can turn to when I am down. Mom! I couldn't get though anything without you! You are a light in my life! Thank you so much for always being there. I want to be a mom just like you! Tanya! You know all too well what I am going though. You always make my day. You bring so much joy and laughter in my life. Diana! You know what I am going though as well. You are so smart and I am grateful for all your advise and homework! I am so grateful that we are friends again. (Everything happens for a reason!) Thanks for not throwing Colton in my face. (I know what I want to say but can't find the words...I think you understand) Cherilyn! (Who doesn't read this but I have to thank!) I wish that we lived closer. You always put my head back on straight! Thanks Cher! And of course the love of my life Aaron, who holds me when I cry. And lets me know that our time will come.
Lately I have been wondering if I should be blogging. Who do I do it for? Not many people read my blog. I have nothing exciting to blog about. I don't have kids. I have nothing to offer anyone else.
I blog for me. I love blogging. I have never been good at keeping a journal, (except for the friendship journal Jami gave me in high school!) This is my way of writing a journal!
I am sorry that this blog wasn't all happy and positive. I am sorry there are no pictures. But I needed to write this blog for me!

6 comments:

lucy said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
criste said...

*the "lucy" comment that was deleted was mine...sorry, I had the wrong sign in name open..

Sorry I am leaving a comment on here too...I saw this on your facebook first. I think that blogging should be like a journal and if you have some sad days, you shouldn't hide them. My warning is that, as you've probably seen from my blog, people do get offended easily, but this is your blog, not theirs. I look forward to reading what you write and hope that you will continue.

Hopefully things will start to look up for you. I too struggle with baby showers. I also hate it when people complain about their children, because I think that they should be happy that God blessed them with a child, even if there are tough moments. I would give anything to have those bad times and know you would too.

Thank you for sharing this. I hope things will get better for you and that you will continue to blog. You are an amazing person and I enjoy getting to know you through this medium.

DianaCotner said...

Charlene, I don't know what to say right now but I wanted you to know I read your blog and shed some tears. Just remember when you hit the bottom there is no place to go but up and I'll be there if you need a hand with that.

Jen said...

We love you. And don't stop blogging! It makes us feel closer to you guys since we can't be there to give you the hugs you need. I can't pretend to know how you feel, but I promise to never place pressure on you. Aaron is right, your time will come and when it does...watch out, you will understand from the bottom of your heart what it means to want and love a child and you alone will be able to teach that child what a true gift from our Father in Heaven that they are. We love you Char!

Dianna said...

I know I am in Texas but I read your blog. I like to know what is happening in your life. You were my best friend for as long as I can remember. I understand the hurt and the pain. I was there for a while. Kathy and Julius are experiencing similar problems. If you ever want to talk I am here and I am sure Kathy would love to hear from you too. She loves you as much as I do! Just understand that you are loved by many, many people.

Fredricksons said...

I understand what you are going though. Don't get down. Sometimes these things happen for a reason but you will not know that reason why for awhile. I know that it was that way for me.

We love you!

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